"Silence is Golden, except...

"SILENCE IS GOLDEN, EXCEPT WHEN YOU HAVE KIDS" 

That phrase is true in my house.  This morning, I find myself in complete silence except the tapping of my fingers on the keys.  The kids are still sleeping.  If they were not sleeping and it was this quiet that usually means someone is sneaking something in the fridge.  My youngest is either playing in the chocolate syrup, or taking her dolls to the potty. Cracking eggs onto the floor, inside of fridge, etc.  You get the idea.  If it is my oldest, she is probably trying to sneak to look up mermaid videos on youtube, which she knows she is not allowed to be on unless we are in the room.  Why can't she get on youtube to look that stuff up?  Well, because no matter what phrase you start typing in, there are several different types of videos that pop up before her mermaids come up.  I am trying to deter her from seeing certain items that I see as not only inappropriate for her, but if I find it inappropriate for even my age I certainly don't want my 10 yr old seeing it either.

We as adults who have little ones we care about, whether it be our own kids our nieces, nephews, grandkids, etc.  we have duty to protect them from harm.  If they were to run out into the street we'd go as fast as we could to get them out before they were hit by a car.  Have  you pondered that same scenario for their little hearts?  Same is true.  Wouldn't you want to protect them from harm to their heart, mind, and souls?  Think about it for a moment.  I did, that is why I'm writing this.  They are innocently looking at something that isn't bad, but in the first little video that previews to the side there is something not so innocent.  Evil exists in this world and it is after your kids.  It trolls around everywhere.  Like a lion looking for its prey.  Waiting in the wings for the moment they are alone from you to pounce and devour them.  You well know that once you see or hear something it is very difficult for you to never think of that image or phrase again.  Maybe, I'm an overprotective parent but I'd rather protect them for as long as I can while I can.

Too much in this world can be said about the beginning of that phrase "Silence is Golden, except... young men are exposed earlier these days to pornographic images that completely distort their vision of how to respect and treat a girl.  Girls, are exposed earlier to images of what their bodies should look like, or what they should wear to "attract" a male's attention.  It is everywhere, and while I can't control what others do I can however attempt to control what happens in my home and teach my kids to respect themselves and others.  If you want your daughters to dress modestly, have you noticed how difficult it is to go to a regular store and find appropriate length shorts, dresses, ones not so tight or shirts that attempt to show cleavage they don't yet have.  It is disheartening as a mom to think about the fact that designers are exploiting our young ones bodies they haven't grown into yet, all for the name of profit.  Again, 'seeking out to devour their self worth'.  

We sometimes get so fed up with things that we email, call, or post at a companies webpage.  We no longer want to stay silent.  We shouldn't.  Staying silent is okay when it is quiet like this morning and I'm enjoying this quiet moments when all is still in the house and I know the kids aren't up trying to get into something they shouldn't.  End the Silence when it is something that can hurt your child or someone else's.  

I can't speak for how boys are attacked besides the images of what a girl should look like, or how they should treat them as their property instead of as a person.  I try as hard as I can to inject positive images onto my children.  They are beautiful and worth so much more to GOD and to us as parents who love them unconditionally than what a magazine, clothing rack, or billboard tries to show them.  I want them to  see themselves as a precious gem being refined through processes that sometimes are painful, because it goes against what maybe their friends at school or what television shows them.  I'd rather them go through the process of being an individual than just be another lump of coal being used as fuel for something else.  We are all precious, worth more than what we can see for ourselves.

I often tell my kids, "Aside from a surprise party, if you have to hide, sneak, or stay quiet about something you or someone else is doing, than it is wrong.  You need to either not to do it all, or tell someone what is happening." 

Keep moving forward.  Challenge:  Tell your kids you love them. Show them you do.  Maybe by our actions we can change the need to be silent.

Silence is Golden, except...

I see you trying....

I see you trying...

I know days are long, weeks seem short, and years fly by.  I see you trying to improve your health.  I see you trying to work hard long hours to support your family.  Make meals.  Help with homework.  Keep your home clean.  Dishes and laundry pile up.  There are days you want to cry because there doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day.

You sometimes go to the grocery just to be alone and end up browsing aisles just for a little more quiet time.  You spend countless hours pouring into your family in hopes that they will become outstanding members of society, and fears that you somehow have failed at this task.

You do what you can to squeeze in a workout or even a 5 minute shower when little ones are still sleeping.  You plan menus, but some nights things don't go as planned and you end up too tired to even cook.  So you zip through a drive thru and then feel guilty for not supplying a "healthy" meal for your family.

STOP beating yourself up!!!  Guess what?  It happens to all of us.  Time and schedules of everything fill our calendars and you do the best you can.  You are trying.  So, here's a challenge for everyday.  Stand in front of a mirror and smile at yourself.  You are beautiful.  You are loved by someone very special who see's you for what you are worth, not for what you can do for them.  You are capable of mighty things, even if today didn't go quite as you planned.  You are trying and we see you.

We see you wiping small tears as your child falls and scrapes their knees.  We see you kissing foreheads after little ones have fallen asleep.  Sighing a silent thank you for the little blessings in your life.  We see or hear you when things are difficult.  Such as, trying to get through the grocery with a screaming child because...whatever the reason.  I know you desperately wish you could just pick them up and take them home at times.  Yet, you are out of milk or need coffee for yourself.  Guess what? It will be okay.

This parenting thing is hard.  You somehow keep going.

If things worth working hard for wasn't so hard, you may take it or those around you for granted and not see their value.  However, when you've had to invest time and energy into something or someone it makes you that much more grateful for the long journey you've traveled.

So... I see  you trying so very hard.  I am looking at myself too. I'm giving myself a break.  Between, doctor appointments, taking care of a family, a home, my mountain of laundry, or dishes. All of it reminds me. The journey is long, but the travel time while making it goes by in a flash.  So I'm learning to savor the moments that challenge me to be better the next time.

Selfless Love. What difference would it make to you?

Selfless Love...

The story of Hosea is a great example of a selfless love.  Hosea took a prostitute, Gomer as his wife because God told him to.  He vowed to love her even though she had been with many others.  Even when she remained unfaithful, Hosea continued to love her regardless.  It broke his heart, but he loved her in a way that only GOD himself LOVES his children.  A selfless, broken-heart, one of a kind, and unconditional love.  Hosea still loved Gomer despite her leaving him to be with another man who could give her material things.  Items she thought she lacked and would make her happy.  When she refused to do something for the man she was living with, he had his guards throw her out and send her to the marketplace to be sold as a slave.  Hosea went to the marketplace and bought Gomer so that he could again show her selfless, unconditional love.  It was then that she finally came to the realization of what love really was.  A love that never fails, doesn't leave, and never gives up.

In this past week I have heard some pretty heartless responses.  I heard responses of "GOD come quickly and take us from this immoral place.'  'Fire and brimstone will be cast down on us now'.  Really?  Why isn't it any wonder that people who have been hurt or view Christians as haters don't see them in a loving way?  Hmmm.  Don't you ever wonder why so many view christians as hypocrites?  Maybe, could it be that as "Christians" we see ourselves a little better than those "other sinners"?  Or because some view 'other sin' as worse than our own? SIN is SIN no matter kind.  The bible talks about all kinds.  Whether it be wanting something someone else has or the way our world see's it "Greener on the other side".  Seeking after more and more money so that we can ignore starving children around the world and even in our own back yards, just so we can reach a different status in society.  When we are angry and act on it. Living on Sunday one way, but then not carrying that same way through the rest of the week.  Those in prison are in there for many different offenses.  If it wasn't for the Grace of GOD and taking our punishment on him, we would be confined with chains and giving into our own selfish desires.   The Bible states 

Romans 3:23-24New International Version (NIV)

23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, 24 and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.

We have ALL sinned.  We are human.  We fail GOD and his gift of selfless love sometimes everyday.  How would it look if we really took a selfless love approach to everyone in this world we come in contact with?  Even if it means, praying for our enemies?  Smiling at those who would treat us wrongly.  

Matthew 6: 9-15

9 After this manner therefore pray ye: Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name.

10 Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven.

11 Give us this day our daily bread.

12 And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.

13 And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil: For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. Amen.

14 For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:

15 But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

When my kids lie or do something wrong, I am disappointed in their actions.  YET, I still love them regardless of them acting wrongly.  I still want what is best for them.  How much more does GOD want that for his children? 

1 John 4:18-19

18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.

19 We love him, because he first loved us.

Acceptance, has led to Peace

Acceptance of what I could not change...

I finally came to terms with my spiritual and emotional Grief.  Most would ask "what grief?"  #1 the loss of our first child.  #2  The loss of what I had planned for both our children.  #3  The anger that surrounded the losses of what we had planned and hoped for.  #4 Denying that this journey we are on was just a phase.  #5 Crying myself to sleep over what dreams I had for what our life would ultimately look like when they entered school.  

Right now, as a mom I keep having the same thought in my head.  -What is the area that Satan knows where I am weakest when it comes to being a wife and mom?  My marriage.  My kids.  My home.  Things I cannot change with just a hug, a kiss, a gesture of kindness, putting a boo boo sticker (that's what band aids are called in our home) on, or forgiveness.  

I noticed when I started looking at some of the women in the bible, that in most cases, it was difficult for the men of the household to stay on course.  We are our husband's helpmates for a reason.  We are there to help sustain him in his walk too.  We are to pray for one another.  We are to encourage and uplift them.  How can they be encouraged and uplifted if we are unable to be there to help them?  Whether it is in their jobs, that they hate or even love.  Maybe, it is in their role as fathers and husbands.  Maybe, it is their role just as the head of the household.  We need to step back and allow them to take the role as head of the house.  In today's society, sometimes the woman contributes more financially to the provision for the household and others it is the man, or equal.  Regardless, of who provides the most financially we need to step back and help him be the head of the house that GOD has called him to be.  We need to love and encourage them daily.

Before I finally got rid of all the anger and bitterness I had built up towards God and even jealously towards other families.  Mom's who seemed to have it all together, got to have a career, had friends to go out with on Friday nights here and there.  Couples who had regular date nights, or other people to hang out with. I remembering pulling out of a drive through a couple years ago and just sobbing in my car.  Right inside, was a couple of families who were dining together.  The adults were laughing, while the kids laughed and played with the other kids.  Why does our family not have friends like that?  Why are we not invited to just hang out?  I came to the conclusion that we were just unwanted and unworthy of friends.  No longer were we invited to homes for games, or just to hang out with anyone outside of our families.  (Which I'm thankful we get to do that because this journey can be very lonely and isolating at times, that hasn't changed even with acceptance). 

I don't know where in all of this that I finally let go of what I had planned for our lives and what I envisioned for our family at this point.  I remember last year, during a bible study I came to the realization of the hardness, anger, and bitterness towards GOD I had built up. Almost like since I had never spoke of being angry or bitter towards him that it didn't exist.  When, I laid it all out there before HIM (and HE is big enough to hear our angers and see our ugly cries), there was literally like a release of chains that had weighed me down.  It felt as if I had been a prisoner trapped for years and finally I was being let loose. There was such freedom in that.

I'm still a work in progress.  I wish I could say that I am walking in peace and freedom every day, but it is a daily sometimes slow taking 5 minutes at a time walk.  I have my down days still.  We recently had to apply for a new school to help our girls with their academics where they haven't been able to grasp certain aspects of curriculum.  I was very anxious about paperwork that we submitted.  How was it all going to work out?  What were we going to do if it didn't?  I again, cried out to God.  "I cannot do this on my own.  I am not strong enough.  Carry me through this God.  Still my anxious heart.  Please.  I just can't do any of this without you.  I don't want to do this without you."

Philippians 4:6-7 

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

As I lay awake, fighting this anxiety that had settled over me.  That scripture above popped in my head (I didn't know where it was located, I had only remembered that it said, "Do not be anxious..." So I looked it up and I thanked God for his revealing this to me and gave me peace.  I slept that night, knowing that I didn't need to be anxious.  That whatever the outcome God was on our side.

Then, hearing this quote by Joseph Campbell:

“We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”

Wow.  I finally got it.  I have this beautiful life set before me, but I have for so long been trying to figure out a way to 'fix' the broken parts of it, or what I saw as 'broken'.  Instead, I needed to embrace this life that has been set before us.  It isn't broken.  It doesn't need fixing.  It just needs to be cherished.

I know now.  We are not rejected, abandoned, unworthy, thrown out, discarded, unloved. NO!  We are accepted.  We are worthy.  We are not thrown away, or discards.  We are wonderfully and uniquely loved and made.  

Peace in uncertainty

This past week, I was given peace during a time of major uncertainty.  We did something we haven't done ever with our kids.  We took an actual week long vacation, just the 4 of us.  We've went places before, but it was either to visit my parents or spend time with other family together.  Either way, there has always been someone to help us out with the girls.  

We go to church Saturday night and celebrate Easter that night.  We leave sometime Sunday morning.  Things went pretty well on the trip down.  Our youngest enjoys her "Hooked on Phonics" app on her Kindle and the mountain of stuffed animals she sleeps with at night made the trip on her lap too.  It was funny to see her, surrounded by the animals sitting in her lap and her blanket during the 4 hour car ride.  Our oldest, slept off and on.  Of course, the wonderful phrase every parent loves to hear multiple times an hour was asked, "Are we there yet?"  

The whole time I kept thinking, 'I need to make sure we know where the hospital is located or at least the urgent care.  What if she runs away from us?  This place is crowded with tourists, how would we ever find her?  Oh Lord, please help calm my nerves.  Please stop her from getting hurt, taken, or running away from us.' 

My husband and I both had been having dreams about her either drowning or falling off a cliff, running away.  We even questioned whether or not we should even go on vacation.  We want her to experience things and not keep imaginary bubble wrap around her, however I also know she has limitations.  At one point, she wanted to try go carts.  I knew she would get in the go cart and either someone would ram into her or she'd be upset by the sounds or whatever and stop in the middle of the track.  Actually, both happened.  So, I naturally was checking her eyes, her neck, all the while consoling her.  She wanted to get back in there, but I was not comfortable, especially after how hard she was rammed by the other kids car.  I mean they were 3 and 4 yr olds driving go carts and they still go fast enough to give someone whiplash if they hit them full speed at a dead stop.  

I'm worried that the jolt to her brain would trigger one of her seizures and we are so close to 2 years seizure free where she can finally try to come off medication to see how she would do.  So, I'm now in helicopter mom mode.  I pray and ask God to calm my nerves and give me peace that she is okay.  She is doing okay later in the day, but I'm still worried.  I'm watching her closely.  My husband finds a go cart track where he can drive and she can ride with him.  At this point, it was the only way I was going to let her on one again.  She loved it.  She was waving to me, and smiling.  I almost burst into tears. 

So much uncertainty, but calmness during my internal storm.  Watching her experience new things.  Doing things that at the time of her first seizure at 4 days old, didn't even know if she'd even be around to even try those things, made my heart jump and a smile form on my face.  To my excitement, she did great with every new thing she tried.  She even actually ate quite a bit of food.  I got excited just to see her eat something at every meal.  She let me take pictures and video of her, which was different too.  She didn't run off, she only tried to run into the hotel hallway completely naked twice, looking for daddy.  She slept halfway decent, she only had a couple minor meltdowns.  We had such a wonderful time that we decided to stay one more night.  That was something we had hoped for, but didn't know how everything was going to be.  

So, now I have sat and looked through videos and pictures.  I have reflected on our week.  Each day, I could see that even though at times my nerves started to try and take over, peace settled in my spirit and could see the beauty of the moments I had around me.  

My take away is this:  This life we have been given, has taught me so much.  Compassion for others.  Thankfulness for each new day.  Joy during hardships.  Love and laughter during pain.  Peace during uncertainty.  And, each day...Grace that abounds. 

What is impossible..?

Have you ever felt like life bombarded you with a roller coaster you never stood in line to ride?  Life has twists, turns, ups, and downs.  If you pay attention you'll see that regardless how the moment right now you are facing looks there are a lot more ups than downs.  It is sometimes hard to see through the tears, and the moments that it seems as if nothing will ever go right.  

Matthew 11:28-30 says:

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." 

I have been weary and burdened to the point of complete physical exhaustion.  Do you feel like that at times?  Especially, when part of the time you get physically exhausted from driving to and from different appointments.  Between normal everyday stuff, to the unexpected twists or pot holes in life that causes bumps and even some bruises, GOD is still there.  May not feel like you can easily feel or even speak with him like we can text, email, or phone someone to talk to, but HE is there.  

Last time I admitted my faith has faltered.  This time I feel a little stronger.  IT IS OKAY TO ADMIT YOU ARE WEAK.  You have permission to make a mistake and not feel judged by it! We as parents have our words, and actions, and even our emotions judged by people around us.  To those who want to judge: I forgive you for judging my character as a parent based on only what you could see without getting to the heart of the issues surrounding me and my family.

I have learned through my roller coaster of life that judging someone else based only by what I can see or hear leaves me without compassion, or an awareness of something that very well might be my family one day.  It can also leave you without a friend for life.  Who wants to be surrounded by those who judge you as a person, parent, friend, etc.? No one does.  It's like surrounding yourself with negative influences that will eat away at you.  

Another way life bombards us is the natural thinking of comparing ourselves to those around us.  I mean at times it seems someone else has it more together and you think, "Oh I wish I could be a super mom like her.  How does she/he have it all together?"  Guess what?  They probably don't.  If they do, than Kudos to them.  Life bombards everyone, no one is exempt from heartache, pain, struggles, or stress.  This roller coaster we are on begs us to hang on until the ride gets less bumpy and braces you for the track ahead.  

It may seem impossible to see around the next turn or hold on past this next bump, but it is possible.  All things are possible.  If what you perceive was impossible, there wouldn't be those who have endured it before to come out on the other side of it to tell their story.  

Matthew 19:26

Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." 

Excerpt from a devotional in "Mom's Devotional Bible" -'When Mountains Won't Move:

When the mountains won't move, we can hold tight to the God who is in control and let him lead us through these days, picking the path around the mountains to the other side. 

So today, remember to hold on because the ups in life outweigh the downs.  You may be in a valley right now and can't see a way around your mountain, but hold on.  The climb to the top may be tough, but the view will be spectacular. 

Grace with side of life...

I was asked if I would think about blogging my experiences.  As a form of therapy for myself, but also a way to experience through my own eyes the world at which times may slip me by due to the busyness of life. So here it goes:

I am not a supermom.  I will never be a supermom.  I don't want to be.  Those outfits others mask themselves with, I don't want to hide behind a mask.  I want to be real.  As real as I can be.  Have you ever watched a hero or an underdog movie?  That's who you rally to win while watching the movie.  One of the movies I enjoy watching is "Here comes the Boom".  What a great movie!  An underdog, just trying to do something good for his friend and school. In turn inspires himself and others.  What a great story.  

Have you had those come along side you and rally you to keep going?  Encourage you in your walk as a person or a parent?  Gave you a hug when you just didn't know you needed one until it happened?  I must admit, there are days it is hard to keep my head up.  I'm in a hard fight right now.  You see, life has knocked us quite a bit.  It has bent me to the point of breaking.  Emotionally, mentally, physically, and even spiritually drained.  When your child hurts, you hurt.  When your child struggles, you struggle.  At times I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of darkness, while the helicopters with spotlights are whirring overhead in the wrong direction.  You're in the background yelling, "Hey, I'm over here.  Come on!  I'm drowning over here.  I can't hold on much longer."  

Have you ever felt that way?  You are desperate to be rescued.  You are treading water.  You get restless and weary.  You feel as if you are about to just let go and let whatever happen, happen.  Then, as you are about to give up.  Something comes along and rescues you.  Life is not easy.  I see others who have been put down or not encouraged in their walks as parents and it makes me upset.  We all need prayers and uplifting, even when it seems we might have it all together.  We may be good at putting a smile on our face when inside we are crumbling.  I have grown to genuinely care for the women in my Tuesday morning bible study.  Even when I don't want to go because the week has tore me down, I fight through that because I NEED IT!  This past week had knocked me down something awful.  The study challenged me.  Of all the questions I could have picked out of a stack that was given. Not sure if this is the exact question, but I'll attempt to remember it's phrasing.  

"Are you a truck just sitting in a parking lot when you are meant for a track? if yes, why?" Well, I was honest and couldn't fight the tears anymore.  I'm in a parking lot.  One thing after the other kept happening and figuratively I was knocked on my knees.  To which my friends carried this scripture out beautifully for me:

The bible states in Galatians 6:2 NIV

Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.

My youngest has struggled in school especially.  We almost lost her to a nocturnal seizure feb. 13, 2010 at almost 3am.  I'm at times what you would call helicopter mom.  It was so hard to take her to a school, show someone else how to use rescue meds should they have to and pray they don't ever have to.  Thankfully, even though she has had seizures off and on since that horrible night, she is growing.  We are trying to do behavior therapy with her.  She has speech and OT.  There are times when someone will say, "oh she's so cute.  How old is she, 3?  Um, no actually she'll be 7 in July.  To which, some say, "Really?  Oh she's so small."  Others give me a look as if to say, "what happened?" She still has the voice of a small child, but she is mine and coming along. Which leads me to this:  

How can we be an encouragement to others around us when life is hard on them, but we don't open our eyes to see it?  We stand and judge them based on just what we can see.  One thing the storms of life has shown me is:  Can I be more understanding and compassionate towards someone?  Is my journey somehow showing others the LOVE of GOD. 

I admit freely.  My faith has faltered a lot and I've had doubts.  It is difficult not to when you've lost a child.  When you watch another one of your children struggle with being teased or with academics.  Another one struggle here and there with medical issues.  Daily they struggle with frustrations and how to express themselves.  When you've watched family in physical, emotional, or mental pain for years.  Why them Lord? Why?  I still don't have answers, but what I do know is:  

I was never promised a walk filled with roses or to never struggle.  If I didn't struggle I may not even have a genuine need for God in my life.  Someone once said, "You never know just how much you need GOD in your life, until HE is all that you have."    

So, even though life is hard. That is true for everyone.  No one is promised a walk without a few stumbles along the way.  We can take it with asking for 'Grace with a side of life'.

Romans 11:6

6And if by grace, then it cannot be based on works; if it were, grace would no longer be grace.