Acceptance, has led to Peace

Acceptance of what I could not change...

I finally came to terms with my spiritual and emotional Grief.  Most would ask "what grief?"  #1 the loss of our first child.  #2  The loss of what I had planned for both our children.  #3  The anger that surrounded the losses of what we had planned and hoped for.  #4 Denying that this journey we are on was just a phase.  #5 Crying myself to sleep over what dreams I had for what our life would ultimately look like when they entered school.  

Right now, as a mom I keep having the same thought in my head.  -What is the area that Satan knows where I am weakest when it comes to being a wife and mom?  My marriage.  My kids.  My home.  Things I cannot change with just a hug, a kiss, a gesture of kindness, putting a boo boo sticker (that's what band aids are called in our home) on, or forgiveness.  

I noticed when I started looking at some of the women in the bible, that in most cases, it was difficult for the men of the household to stay on course.  We are our husband's helpmates for a reason.  We are there to help sustain him in his walk too.  We are to pray for one another.  We are to encourage and uplift them.  How can they be encouraged and uplifted if we are unable to be there to help them?  Whether it is in their jobs, that they hate or even love.  Maybe, it is in their role as fathers and husbands.  Maybe, it is their role just as the head of the household.  We need to step back and allow them to take the role as head of the house.  In today's society, sometimes the woman contributes more financially to the provision for the household and others it is the man, or equal.  Regardless, of who provides the most financially we need to step back and help him be the head of the house that GOD has called him to be.  We need to love and encourage them daily.

Before I finally got rid of all the anger and bitterness I had built up towards God and even jealously towards other families.  Mom's who seemed to have it all together, got to have a career, had friends to go out with on Friday nights here and there.  Couples who had regular date nights, or other people to hang out with. I remembering pulling out of a drive through a couple years ago and just sobbing in my car.  Right inside, was a couple of families who were dining together.  The adults were laughing, while the kids laughed and played with the other kids.  Why does our family not have friends like that?  Why are we not invited to just hang out?  I came to the conclusion that we were just unwanted and unworthy of friends.  No longer were we invited to homes for games, or just to hang out with anyone outside of our families.  (Which I'm thankful we get to do that because this journey can be very lonely and isolating at times, that hasn't changed even with acceptance). 

I don't know where in all of this that I finally let go of what I had planned for our lives and what I envisioned for our family at this point.  I remember last year, during a bible study I came to the realization of the hardness, anger, and bitterness towards GOD I had built up. Almost like since I had never spoke of being angry or bitter towards him that it didn't exist.  When, I laid it all out there before HIM (and HE is big enough to hear our angers and see our ugly cries), there was literally like a release of chains that had weighed me down.  It felt as if I had been a prisoner trapped for years and finally I was being let loose. There was such freedom in that.

I'm still a work in progress.  I wish I could say that I am walking in peace and freedom every day, but it is a daily sometimes slow taking 5 minutes at a time walk.  I have my down days still.  We recently had to apply for a new school to help our girls with their academics where they haven't been able to grasp certain aspects of curriculum.  I was very anxious about paperwork that we submitted.  How was it all going to work out?  What were we going to do if it didn't?  I again, cried out to God.  "I cannot do this on my own.  I am not strong enough.  Carry me through this God.  Still my anxious heart.  Please.  I just can't do any of this without you.  I don't want to do this without you."

Philippians 4:6-7 

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

As I lay awake, fighting this anxiety that had settled over me.  That scripture above popped in my head (I didn't know where it was located, I had only remembered that it said, "Do not be anxious..." So I looked it up and I thanked God for his revealing this to me and gave me peace.  I slept that night, knowing that I didn't need to be anxious.  That whatever the outcome God was on our side.

Then, hearing this quote by Joseph Campbell:

“We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”

Wow.  I finally got it.  I have this beautiful life set before me, but I have for so long been trying to figure out a way to 'fix' the broken parts of it, or what I saw as 'broken'.  Instead, I needed to embrace this life that has been set before us.  It isn't broken.  It doesn't need fixing.  It just needs to be cherished.

I know now.  We are not rejected, abandoned, unworthy, thrown out, discarded, unloved. NO!  We are accepted.  We are worthy.  We are not thrown away, or discards.  We are wonderfully and uniquely loved and made.  

Peace in uncertainty

This past week, I was given peace during a time of major uncertainty.  We did something we haven't done ever with our kids.  We took an actual week long vacation, just the 4 of us.  We've went places before, but it was either to visit my parents or spend time with other family together.  Either way, there has always been someone to help us out with the girls.  

We go to church Saturday night and celebrate Easter that night.  We leave sometime Sunday morning.  Things went pretty well on the trip down.  Our youngest enjoys her "Hooked on Phonics" app on her Kindle and the mountain of stuffed animals she sleeps with at night made the trip on her lap too.  It was funny to see her, surrounded by the animals sitting in her lap and her blanket during the 4 hour car ride.  Our oldest, slept off and on.  Of course, the wonderful phrase every parent loves to hear multiple times an hour was asked, "Are we there yet?"  

The whole time I kept thinking, 'I need to make sure we know where the hospital is located or at least the urgent care.  What if she runs away from us?  This place is crowded with tourists, how would we ever find her?  Oh Lord, please help calm my nerves.  Please stop her from getting hurt, taken, or running away from us.' 

My husband and I both had been having dreams about her either drowning or falling off a cliff, running away.  We even questioned whether or not we should even go on vacation.  We want her to experience things and not keep imaginary bubble wrap around her, however I also know she has limitations.  At one point, she wanted to try go carts.  I knew she would get in the go cart and either someone would ram into her or she'd be upset by the sounds or whatever and stop in the middle of the track.  Actually, both happened.  So, I naturally was checking her eyes, her neck, all the while consoling her.  She wanted to get back in there, but I was not comfortable, especially after how hard she was rammed by the other kids car.  I mean they were 3 and 4 yr olds driving go carts and they still go fast enough to give someone whiplash if they hit them full speed at a dead stop.  

I'm worried that the jolt to her brain would trigger one of her seizures and we are so close to 2 years seizure free where she can finally try to come off medication to see how she would do.  So, I'm now in helicopter mom mode.  I pray and ask God to calm my nerves and give me peace that she is okay.  She is doing okay later in the day, but I'm still worried.  I'm watching her closely.  My husband finds a go cart track where he can drive and she can ride with him.  At this point, it was the only way I was going to let her on one again.  She loved it.  She was waving to me, and smiling.  I almost burst into tears. 

So much uncertainty, but calmness during my internal storm.  Watching her experience new things.  Doing things that at the time of her first seizure at 4 days old, didn't even know if she'd even be around to even try those things, made my heart jump and a smile form on my face.  To my excitement, she did great with every new thing she tried.  She even actually ate quite a bit of food.  I got excited just to see her eat something at every meal.  She let me take pictures and video of her, which was different too.  She didn't run off, she only tried to run into the hotel hallway completely naked twice, looking for daddy.  She slept halfway decent, she only had a couple minor meltdowns.  We had such a wonderful time that we decided to stay one more night.  That was something we had hoped for, but didn't know how everything was going to be.  

So, now I have sat and looked through videos and pictures.  I have reflected on our week.  Each day, I could see that even though at times my nerves started to try and take over, peace settled in my spirit and could see the beauty of the moments I had around me.  

My take away is this:  This life we have been given, has taught me so much.  Compassion for others.  Thankfulness for each new day.  Joy during hardships.  Love and laughter during pain.  Peace during uncertainty.  And, each day...Grace that abounds.