True Beauty Comes From Within

1 Peter 3:3-4

Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.

As I am cleaning, sometimes I like to put on a tv channel that is known for selling different products.  As I am am cleaning, I am listening to them talk about a makeup product. The representative from this particular cosmetic company (not the hostess for the channel) was talking. It made so upset that I had to turn the channel.  I understand she is trying to sell a product, however how she was talking to the viewers came across very harsh in her words that she used.

She stated that, (and I am summarizing what she said instead of quoting it because I do not remember completely word for word) by not doing your eyebrows correctly or wearing the "right" product "you are robbing yourself of being the most beautiful you." (That I did remember word for word because it struck me in a not so good way). She went on to say by creating symmetry to the face with the brows you are helping yourself be the most beautiful you, because symmetry is how the human eye defines beauty.  

REALLY???? SO FALSE!!!! No wonder we have people in society who feel less than beautiful or have eating disorders. Trying to make themselves look like celebrities, or people in magazines.  If I cannot create symmetry to my face because of an accident or just because I wasn't born with features to be symmetrical, then I am not beautiful.  SO FALSE!!!!  

True beauty comes from having confidence and self-worth. What is this essentially saying to young people who we are trying to raise up to be good, kind, hard working individuals?  If you take what this cosmetic rep is saying at "truth" then, it doesn't matter how hard you work, how kind you are, how much beauty you have on the inside. If you don't have symmetry to your face you are not being the most beautiful you. What about those who had accidents or were born without being able to obtain symmetry? They are beautiful, unique, and amazing. They are survivors for walking the journey they have been asked to go through. They are beautiful inside and out regardless of if they do their eyebrows or wear makeup. 

Now, I am not saying I do not like makeup. I do. However, I don't wear it everyday.  I don't use it to make myself beautiful. I already feel beautiful. I have self-worth because I feel like I can hold my shoulders back with my head held high.  I have confidence.  It doesn't matter if others or even the beauty industry doesn't identify me as beautiful.  I am because I know to WHOM I belong. I know whose daughter I am. I know in whom my future comes from. 

There have been times in my life that I listened to critics. I listened to words just like that rep was stating today and I became very depressed, living in dark places while trying to walk in the light.  I walked in negative thinking and I did not have the confidence that I do now.  I don't know when that changed, but at some point I realized my self-worth and beauty didn't come from cosmetics, or anything superficial. I didn't need anyone to tell me I was beautiful.  I was bought a long time ago with a price I cannot repay.  How can you repay someone who has saved your life over and over? The only thing I can do is try to motivate, challenge, and help others.  I can be kind and loving to others.

I have been asked to walk a journey that some know firsthand and others judge quickly. NONE of that defines who I am, who I belong to, or where my beauty and hope comes from.  

I love this excerpt from Focus on the family, to read this particular article from focus on the family click the link (http://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/sexuality/preventing-the-sexualization-of-your-daughter/what-the-bible-says). God doesn't make junk. 

Psalms 139: 14

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.  

1 Samuel 16:7

But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."

Proverbs 31:30

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

I would much rather have beauty within and be kind to people than to adorn my face with a mask.  I want to teach my children to respect themselves, to respect others. To see themselves as GOD see's them. Beautiful, amazing, unique, and totally worth knitting them together in a mothers womb. 

So, I challenge you.  Take a picture of yourself without makeup or hair fixed.  Tag it with #TrueBeautyComesFromWithin then challenge others to do the same.  Let's start a movement. Let's start showing people that they matter no matter how they look.  Let's show media that they do not define us and cannot confine us in a small area. That we are beautiful, flawed skin or not. Makeup or not. 

Here is the Truth!!! 

WE ALL ARE UNIQUELY BEAUTIFUL.

Be your most beautiful self. 

Help Mate

Do you view yourself as a help mate or a servant?  God has been inspiring me to look more towards this.  I know there are some wives and even husbands who feel under appreciated, passed over, and invisible at times.  I'm not speaking for myself, but I know some women and some men that have felt themselves this way for a long time.  This is for both sides of the spectrum.

A servant is by definition: a person who performs duties for others, especially a person employed in a house on domestic duties or as a personal attendant.

When you are a servant for God that is totally different than being a servant to whom God intended for you to be a "HELPMATE".  God did not make woman from the man's foot bone, as if to say  "Man you can walk all over your wife."  He didn't create woman from the man's skull or brain to try to rule, dominate, or keep you under the thumb.  NO, GOD took a rib from the man's side.  

Genesis 2: 18 

The Lord God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a HELPER suitable for him."  Meaning, to come along side. Helpmate by definition is: A partner, helpful companion. This means, to come along side of one another to be each others cheering section, helping each other through the good and the bad of life.  To be equal to each other.  To share in life together, NOT one above the other.  

Now back to a woman being created from the Rib. 

Genesis 2: 21-22

21)So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh. 22) Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. 

There are 2 definitions for ribs:

each of a series of slender curved bones articulated in pairs to the spine (twelve pairs in humans), protecting the thoracic cavity and its organs.

Looking at this first definition, broken down the Thoracic cavity is also known as the chest cavity. According to the Encyclopedia Britannica (for those youngsters who have never saw the glory of these beautiful books-Yes books, they were what us older people used to study and learn more about subjects. Encyclopedia's were the primitive google. LOL).  

Without the Ribs, the Thoracic cavity and its organs would not be as protected from harm as it is with the Ribs encompassing it.  Straight forward.  YOUR HELPMATE is not there to be trampled on, put down, or criticized.  By doing so, you are pulling away your own protection.  Ever heard the saying, "Behind every person is someone who loves and prays for them."? 

Now looking at the next definition. 

a long raised piece of stronger or thicker material across a surface or through a structure, and typically serving to support or strengthen it, in particular.

Seeing the pattern here?  A HELPMATE is there to be your support. To help strengthen you in times of trouble and to stand in the gap.  To help carry some of the load you carry, so you don't have to bare the weight of it on your own.  

Be each other's best friend, and cheering section when life gets tough.  Life is already hard enough to get through with all that we are bombarded with.  Add in other items of life like kids, school, work, financial strain, bills.  It all adds up.  You can't expect to give 100% of yourself to someone if you don't even have 100% to give. Ladies, You may have a day where your husband has 50%, and needs some support.  He may have had an extremely difficult day at work and feels less than the best of himself.  Be that extra 50% for him to uplift and support him.  Gentlemen, your wife may have had a rough day also.  If she works outside the home, she may have had a rough day at work too.  If you are parents, the kids may have been fighting or someone got sick.  An unexpected bill came in the mail. 

Whatever may have come your way to where you feel less than 100%, be there for one another. 

Pray for one another.  Listen to one another.  Try to leave work at work, if you need to vent about your day; Don't do it as soon as you walk in the door.  Don't be quick to criticize, or act as if it doesn't matter.  If you had a bad day and they seemed to not care or didn't listen, how would it make you feel? Always stop to try and think how the other might feel if they were in your shoes.  Make time to talk to one another each day.  Take time to visit with your family before getting into the things of the day.  You might just find, those things that were weighing you down earlier...don't hold the same weight anymore.  

A great book (or watch the video) is The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman (http://www.5lovelanguages.com/).  It is so helpful to know what your loved ones Love Language is.  I would say mine is tied between physical touch, and quality time. Hugs and a quick peck on the cheek, or just sitting watching a movie with me makes me feel loved, wanted. Words of Affirmation would be high also.  Who doesn't like being appreciated or being thanked for all you do.  I'm not big on gifts. Don't get me wrong, I like being surprised with roses, or even a "just because" card.  It just doesn't say, "hey I love you" to me.  Anyone can buy a gift, but actually making time to spend with me or stopping to give me a hug is huge for me.  To me it says, "You were worth setting the time aside to spend together." 

My husband's was a little more difficult to pinpoint (even for him). I would say he is a sum of all of them.  Words of affirmation, I think would be high for most any guy. They want to know they are valued and that what they do matters.  They want to feel appreciated. Making them their favorite meal for dinner once in a while or maybe even once a week. 

Build each other up. Talk to one another. Don't go to bed mad at one another. Say you are sorry. Say you love each other (especially when you don't feel like it). Smile and make an effort for each other.  FORGIVE one another.  Everyone has short comings, don't make someone's short comings become long lasting.

Here is a list of challenges to do for one another:

1. Pray together

2. Write a special note. (Don't tell them) Leave it where the other will be sure to find it (example: front seat of their car, bathroom mirror-write it in dry erase marker, their coffee mug, wallet, etc)

3. Put the kids to bed early one night and snuggle with each other.

4. Plan a surprise date night. (get a babysitter, drop kids off, make special dinner, order takeout, go to a movie, or a special place they like, sit at mcdonalds and share a shake)

5. Go for a walk and hold each others hand. 

6. Call them for no reason and talk for at least 5 minutes, even if its about nothing at all.

7. Gentlemen, open the car door and help her in. Then, when you arrive somewhere open the door for her and help her out. Ladies, reach over and open his door.

8. Do something unexpected for the other that they normally do for themselves or for your family. 

9. Do something together that the other one enjoys, but that you may not normally like to do yourself. 10. Encourage each other. Try not to criticize for a whole day. 

Lastly, Be sure to end each night by saying "I LOVE YOU. I'm thankful for you"  

1 Corinthians 13 (courtesy of biblegateway.com)

If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

"Silence is Golden, except...

"SILENCE IS GOLDEN, EXCEPT WHEN YOU HAVE KIDS" 

That phrase is true in my house.  This morning, I find myself in complete silence except the tapping of my fingers on the keys.  The kids are still sleeping.  If they were not sleeping and it was this quiet that usually means someone is sneaking something in the fridge.  My youngest is either playing in the chocolate syrup, or taking her dolls to the potty. Cracking eggs onto the floor, inside of fridge, etc.  You get the idea.  If it is my oldest, she is probably trying to sneak to look up mermaid videos on youtube, which she knows she is not allowed to be on unless we are in the room.  Why can't she get on youtube to look that stuff up?  Well, because no matter what phrase you start typing in, there are several different types of videos that pop up before her mermaids come up.  I am trying to deter her from seeing certain items that I see as not only inappropriate for her, but if I find it inappropriate for even my age I certainly don't want my 10 yr old seeing it either.

We as adults who have little ones we care about, whether it be our own kids our nieces, nephews, grandkids, etc.  we have duty to protect them from harm.  If they were to run out into the street we'd go as fast as we could to get them out before they were hit by a car.  Have  you pondered that same scenario for their little hearts?  Same is true.  Wouldn't you want to protect them from harm to their heart, mind, and souls?  Think about it for a moment.  I did, that is why I'm writing this.  They are innocently looking at something that isn't bad, but in the first little video that previews to the side there is something not so innocent.  Evil exists in this world and it is after your kids.  It trolls around everywhere.  Like a lion looking for its prey.  Waiting in the wings for the moment they are alone from you to pounce and devour them.  You well know that once you see or hear something it is very difficult for you to never think of that image or phrase again.  Maybe, I'm an overprotective parent but I'd rather protect them for as long as I can while I can.

Too much in this world can be said about the beginning of that phrase "Silence is Golden, except... young men are exposed earlier these days to pornographic images that completely distort their vision of how to respect and treat a girl.  Girls, are exposed earlier to images of what their bodies should look like, or what they should wear to "attract" a male's attention.  It is everywhere, and while I can't control what others do I can however attempt to control what happens in my home and teach my kids to respect themselves and others.  If you want your daughters to dress modestly, have you noticed how difficult it is to go to a regular store and find appropriate length shorts, dresses, ones not so tight or shirts that attempt to show cleavage they don't yet have.  It is disheartening as a mom to think about the fact that designers are exploiting our young ones bodies they haven't grown into yet, all for the name of profit.  Again, 'seeking out to devour their self worth'.  

We sometimes get so fed up with things that we email, call, or post at a companies webpage.  We no longer want to stay silent.  We shouldn't.  Staying silent is okay when it is quiet like this morning and I'm enjoying this quiet moments when all is still in the house and I know the kids aren't up trying to get into something they shouldn't.  End the Silence when it is something that can hurt your child or someone else's.  

I can't speak for how boys are attacked besides the images of what a girl should look like, or how they should treat them as their property instead of as a person.  I try as hard as I can to inject positive images onto my children.  They are beautiful and worth so much more to GOD and to us as parents who love them unconditionally than what a magazine, clothing rack, or billboard tries to show them.  I want them to  see themselves as a precious gem being refined through processes that sometimes are painful, because it goes against what maybe their friends at school or what television shows them.  I'd rather them go through the process of being an individual than just be another lump of coal being used as fuel for something else.  We are all precious, worth more than what we can see for ourselves.

I often tell my kids, "Aside from a surprise party, if you have to hide, sneak, or stay quiet about something you or someone else is doing, than it is wrong.  You need to either not to do it all, or tell someone what is happening." 

Keep moving forward.  Challenge:  Tell your kids you love them. Show them you do.  Maybe by our actions we can change the need to be silent.

Silence is Golden, except...

I see you trying....

I see you trying...

I know days are long, weeks seem short, and years fly by.  I see you trying to improve your health.  I see you trying to work hard long hours to support your family.  Make meals.  Help with homework.  Keep your home clean.  Dishes and laundry pile up.  There are days you want to cry because there doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day.

You sometimes go to the grocery just to be alone and end up browsing aisles just for a little more quiet time.  You spend countless hours pouring into your family in hopes that they will become outstanding members of society, and fears that you somehow have failed at this task.

You do what you can to squeeze in a workout or even a 5 minute shower when little ones are still sleeping.  You plan menus, but some nights things don't go as planned and you end up too tired to even cook.  So you zip through a drive thru and then feel guilty for not supplying a "healthy" meal for your family.

STOP beating yourself up!!!  Guess what?  It happens to all of us.  Time and schedules of everything fill our calendars and you do the best you can.  You are trying.  So, here's a challenge for everyday.  Stand in front of a mirror and smile at yourself.  You are beautiful.  You are loved by someone very special who see's you for what you are worth, not for what you can do for them.  You are capable of mighty things, even if today didn't go quite as you planned.  You are trying and we see you.

We see you wiping small tears as your child falls and scrapes their knees.  We see you kissing foreheads after little ones have fallen asleep.  Sighing a silent thank you for the little blessings in your life.  We see or hear you when things are difficult.  Such as, trying to get through the grocery with a screaming child because...whatever the reason.  I know you desperately wish you could just pick them up and take them home at times.  Yet, you are out of milk or need coffee for yourself.  Guess what? It will be okay.

This parenting thing is hard.  You somehow keep going.

If things worth working hard for wasn't so hard, you may take it or those around you for granted and not see their value.  However, when you've had to invest time and energy into something or someone it makes you that much more grateful for the long journey you've traveled.

So... I see  you trying so very hard.  I am looking at myself too. I'm giving myself a break.  Between, doctor appointments, taking care of a family, a home, my mountain of laundry, or dishes. All of it reminds me. The journey is long, but the travel time while making it goes by in a flash.  So I'm learning to savor the moments that challenge me to be better the next time.

Selfless Love. What difference would it make to you?

Selfless Love...

The story of Hosea is a great example of a selfless love.  Hosea took a prostitute, Gomer as his wife because God told him to.  He vowed to love her even though she had been with many others.  Even when she remained unfaithful, Hosea continued to love her regardless.  It broke his heart, but he loved her in a way that only GOD himself LOVES his children.  A selfless, broken-heart, one of a kind, and unconditional love.  Hosea still loved Gomer despite her leaving him to be with another man who could give her material things.  Items she thought she lacked and would make her happy.  When she refused to do something for the man she was living with, he had his guards throw her out and send her to the marketplace to be sold as a slave.  Hosea went to the marketplace and bought Gomer so that he could again show her selfless, unconditional love.  It was then that she finally came to the realization of what love really was.  A love that never fails, doesn't leave, and never gives up.

In this past week I have heard some pretty heartless responses.  I heard responses of "GOD come quickly and take us from this immoral place.'  'Fire and brimstone will be cast down on us now'.  Really?  Why isn't it any wonder that people who have been hurt or view Christians as haters don't see them in a loving way?  Hmmm.  Don't you ever wonder why so many view christians as hypocrites?  Maybe, could it be that as "Christians" we see ourselves a little better than those "other sinners"?  Or because some view 'other sin' as worse than our own? SIN is SIN no matter kind.  The bible talks about all kinds.  Whether it be wanting something someone else has or the way our world see's it "Greener on the other side".  Seeking after more and more money so that we can ignore starving children around the world and even in our own back yards, just so we can reach a different status in society.  When we are angry and act on it. Living on Sunday one way, but then not carrying that same way through the rest of the week.  Those in prison are in there for many different offenses.  If it wasn't for the Grace of GOD and taking our punishment on him, we would be confined with chains and giving into our own selfish desires.   The Bible states 

Romans 3:23-24New International Version (NIV)

23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, 24 and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.

We have ALL sinned.  We are human.  We fail GOD and his gift of selfless love sometimes everyday.  How would it look if we really took a selfless love approach to everyone in this world we come in contact with?  Even if it means, praying for our enemies?  Smiling at those who would treat us wrongly.  

Matthew 6: 9-15

9 After this manner therefore pray ye: Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name.

10 Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven.

11 Give us this day our daily bread.

12 And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.

13 And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil: For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. Amen.

14 For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:

15 But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

When my kids lie or do something wrong, I am disappointed in their actions.  YET, I still love them regardless of them acting wrongly.  I still want what is best for them.  How much more does GOD want that for his children? 

1 John 4:18-19

18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.

19 We love him, because he first loved us.

Acceptance, has led to Peace

Acceptance of what I could not change...

I finally came to terms with my spiritual and emotional Grief.  Most would ask "what grief?"  #1 the loss of our first child.  #2  The loss of what I had planned for both our children.  #3  The anger that surrounded the losses of what we had planned and hoped for.  #4 Denying that this journey we are on was just a phase.  #5 Crying myself to sleep over what dreams I had for what our life would ultimately look like when they entered school.  

Right now, as a mom I keep having the same thought in my head.  -What is the area that Satan knows where I am weakest when it comes to being a wife and mom?  My marriage.  My kids.  My home.  Things I cannot change with just a hug, a kiss, a gesture of kindness, putting a boo boo sticker (that's what band aids are called in our home) on, or forgiveness.  

I noticed when I started looking at some of the women in the bible, that in most cases, it was difficult for the men of the household to stay on course.  We are our husband's helpmates for a reason.  We are there to help sustain him in his walk too.  We are to pray for one another.  We are to encourage and uplift them.  How can they be encouraged and uplifted if we are unable to be there to help them?  Whether it is in their jobs, that they hate or even love.  Maybe, it is in their role as fathers and husbands.  Maybe, it is their role just as the head of the household.  We need to step back and allow them to take the role as head of the house.  In today's society, sometimes the woman contributes more financially to the provision for the household and others it is the man, or equal.  Regardless, of who provides the most financially we need to step back and help him be the head of the house that GOD has called him to be.  We need to love and encourage them daily.

Before I finally got rid of all the anger and bitterness I had built up towards God and even jealously towards other families.  Mom's who seemed to have it all together, got to have a career, had friends to go out with on Friday nights here and there.  Couples who had regular date nights, or other people to hang out with. I remembering pulling out of a drive through a couple years ago and just sobbing in my car.  Right inside, was a couple of families who were dining together.  The adults were laughing, while the kids laughed and played with the other kids.  Why does our family not have friends like that?  Why are we not invited to just hang out?  I came to the conclusion that we were just unwanted and unworthy of friends.  No longer were we invited to homes for games, or just to hang out with anyone outside of our families.  (Which I'm thankful we get to do that because this journey can be very lonely and isolating at times, that hasn't changed even with acceptance). 

I don't know where in all of this that I finally let go of what I had planned for our lives and what I envisioned for our family at this point.  I remember last year, during a bible study I came to the realization of the hardness, anger, and bitterness towards GOD I had built up. Almost like since I had never spoke of being angry or bitter towards him that it didn't exist.  When, I laid it all out there before HIM (and HE is big enough to hear our angers and see our ugly cries), there was literally like a release of chains that had weighed me down.  It felt as if I had been a prisoner trapped for years and finally I was being let loose. There was such freedom in that.

I'm still a work in progress.  I wish I could say that I am walking in peace and freedom every day, but it is a daily sometimes slow taking 5 minutes at a time walk.  I have my down days still.  We recently had to apply for a new school to help our girls with their academics where they haven't been able to grasp certain aspects of curriculum.  I was very anxious about paperwork that we submitted.  How was it all going to work out?  What were we going to do if it didn't?  I again, cried out to God.  "I cannot do this on my own.  I am not strong enough.  Carry me through this God.  Still my anxious heart.  Please.  I just can't do any of this without you.  I don't want to do this without you."

Philippians 4:6-7 

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

As I lay awake, fighting this anxiety that had settled over me.  That scripture above popped in my head (I didn't know where it was located, I had only remembered that it said, "Do not be anxious..." So I looked it up and I thanked God for his revealing this to me and gave me peace.  I slept that night, knowing that I didn't need to be anxious.  That whatever the outcome God was on our side.

Then, hearing this quote by Joseph Campbell:

“We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”

Wow.  I finally got it.  I have this beautiful life set before me, but I have for so long been trying to figure out a way to 'fix' the broken parts of it, or what I saw as 'broken'.  Instead, I needed to embrace this life that has been set before us.  It isn't broken.  It doesn't need fixing.  It just needs to be cherished.

I know now.  We are not rejected, abandoned, unworthy, thrown out, discarded, unloved. NO!  We are accepted.  We are worthy.  We are not thrown away, or discards.  We are wonderfully and uniquely loved and made.  

Peace in uncertainty

This past week, I was given peace during a time of major uncertainty.  We did something we haven't done ever with our kids.  We took an actual week long vacation, just the 4 of us.  We've went places before, but it was either to visit my parents or spend time with other family together.  Either way, there has always been someone to help us out with the girls.  

We go to church Saturday night and celebrate Easter that night.  We leave sometime Sunday morning.  Things went pretty well on the trip down.  Our youngest enjoys her "Hooked on Phonics" app on her Kindle and the mountain of stuffed animals she sleeps with at night made the trip on her lap too.  It was funny to see her, surrounded by the animals sitting in her lap and her blanket during the 4 hour car ride.  Our oldest, slept off and on.  Of course, the wonderful phrase every parent loves to hear multiple times an hour was asked, "Are we there yet?"  

The whole time I kept thinking, 'I need to make sure we know where the hospital is located or at least the urgent care.  What if she runs away from us?  This place is crowded with tourists, how would we ever find her?  Oh Lord, please help calm my nerves.  Please stop her from getting hurt, taken, or running away from us.' 

My husband and I both had been having dreams about her either drowning or falling off a cliff, running away.  We even questioned whether or not we should even go on vacation.  We want her to experience things and not keep imaginary bubble wrap around her, however I also know she has limitations.  At one point, she wanted to try go carts.  I knew she would get in the go cart and either someone would ram into her or she'd be upset by the sounds or whatever and stop in the middle of the track.  Actually, both happened.  So, I naturally was checking her eyes, her neck, all the while consoling her.  She wanted to get back in there, but I was not comfortable, especially after how hard she was rammed by the other kids car.  I mean they were 3 and 4 yr olds driving go carts and they still go fast enough to give someone whiplash if they hit them full speed at a dead stop.  

I'm worried that the jolt to her brain would trigger one of her seizures and we are so close to 2 years seizure free where she can finally try to come off medication to see how she would do.  So, I'm now in helicopter mom mode.  I pray and ask God to calm my nerves and give me peace that she is okay.  She is doing okay later in the day, but I'm still worried.  I'm watching her closely.  My husband finds a go cart track where he can drive and she can ride with him.  At this point, it was the only way I was going to let her on one again.  She loved it.  She was waving to me, and smiling.  I almost burst into tears. 

So much uncertainty, but calmness during my internal storm.  Watching her experience new things.  Doing things that at the time of her first seizure at 4 days old, didn't even know if she'd even be around to even try those things, made my heart jump and a smile form on my face.  To my excitement, she did great with every new thing she tried.  She even actually ate quite a bit of food.  I got excited just to see her eat something at every meal.  She let me take pictures and video of her, which was different too.  She didn't run off, she only tried to run into the hotel hallway completely naked twice, looking for daddy.  She slept halfway decent, she only had a couple minor meltdowns.  We had such a wonderful time that we decided to stay one more night.  That was something we had hoped for, but didn't know how everything was going to be.  

So, now I have sat and looked through videos and pictures.  I have reflected on our week.  Each day, I could see that even though at times my nerves started to try and take over, peace settled in my spirit and could see the beauty of the moments I had around me.  

My take away is this:  This life we have been given, has taught me so much.  Compassion for others.  Thankfulness for each new day.  Joy during hardships.  Love and laughter during pain.  Peace during uncertainty.  And, each day...Grace that abounds.